What do you do when you're a high achiever and you don't feel good at something? You hide until you do or you don't do it at all. This thought has been nibbling at my subconscious since I wrote my first blog post about trail running. At the time, I told myself I loved trail running purely for the meditative state it put me in, but I have to admit there is another reason. In the woods I can be invisible. I can hide until I'm good enough to be seen.
My first instinct when I started digging deeper into this insight was to berate myself for being afraid. But then my inner mentor went to battle against my inner critic and I tried giving myself a break. Maybe I'm being my authentic self when I train alone and then emerge fully formed. If that's how I'm most comfortable, why shouldn't I embrace it? As long as the tendency to hide doesn't hold me back from trying, and as long as I eventually emerge, I will be me.
I'm a butterfly who has emerged from her chrysalis. I know that sounds cheesy, but I am now running everywhere and anywhere I can. All of a sudden I can run like the wind and it feels easy. I still get lost in a meditative state, but I feel a momentary rush of pride every mile when my reverie is broken by the voice from my running app announcing my split times. I admit I'm so loving the feeling of being good that I have taken to telling people, "I'm a runner" when I tell them about my weekend or about what I did after work the day before.
As usual, realizations about myself that come up related to running almost always have a parallel with my work world. I recently had a similar awakening at work, but in this case I had been hiding in the woods for way too long. My awakening on the path made me realize that it was time to emerge as my authentic self at work. I am a leader and strong communicator and it's time to be her.